A.) This essay rose to the top because I need it in order to get into Massachusetts Maritime Academy. I am really happy with the way I worded things and showed my voice through this essay.
B.) I really express my feelings and voice through this essay.
C.) A weakness I think I had in this essay is the vocabulary words I have used.
D.) I would like to know that if after reading my essay, you think it is clear that I really want to go to this academy and am really interested.
E.) I need help rewording the things I put in bold.
Maddy Brunelle
October 20, 2011
First Impressions
On the last day of September I drove with my family to Buzzards Bay to visit the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. As I opened the door to the admissions office, I realized this is where I wanted to be. It is important to me to attend a college where I feel I belong, and am able to commit myself to my studies. I know that academics at Massachusetts Maritime Academy are very challenging, stringent, and a crucial component to a well-rounded postsecondary education. The small classroom sizes will be beneficial, and help me to become more focused in my studies. This will give me the opportunity to connect with my professors and peers. Also, the organization and regimen of the daily routine is conducive to learning.
I noticed in my visit that the uniforms create a sense of equality and community among the cadets. In addition, having the choice of six majors would help me to focus on the end goal. When talking with the cadet, Lauren DeNapoli, she got me very intrigued about her major. Marine Transportation is interesting because I would be able to become a licensed ship’s deck officer. This would give me the ability to transfer into various management and operation positions, which is incredibly unique. After learning so much about Marine Transportation, I am now deciding whether International Maritime Business or Marine Transportation is the major for me.
My family owns a marina which has always kept me involved with the water. Growing up in this environment has really impacted my life and made me have a certain respect for the water. I am aware of how dangerous but how amazing it can be. I found out about the Massachusetts Maritime Academy from my cousin Marc, who is an alum from the class of 1979. The Massachusetts Maritime Academy is simply an extension of what I have been familiar with my whole life. Experiencing a job environment before I graduate college through a “sea term” is something that really excites me. I know I will feel comfortable and be more prepared in my field by the time I graduate.
In addition to all of these reasons, seeing the Massachusetts Maritime Academy with my own eyes made it clear that this is where I want to be. Even at such a prestigious school, the Associate Director of Admissions, James Watkins, welcomed me and made me feel like I truly belonged. I know that at Massachusetts Maritime Academy, my leadership skills and personal determination will be able to grow and thrive. I know that having all of these resources at my fingertips will prepare me for a successful future.
I see a young woman with focus and drive. I think it's great that you know what you'd like to do. The "sea term" sounds like it would be really exciting and worthwhile. You have some nice examples here of what separates the school from others, and how its system will benefit you.
ReplyDeleteRather than starting in chronological order describing your drive, you might consider crafting a scene of you in a classroom, or maybe illustrating what it might be like on the "sea" classroom.