"Author's Note"
A.) This essay has rose to the top because I am very proud of myself for acheiving my goals and trying my hardest at something.
B.) I think this essay really shows how well my determination is and how much I push myself to do better.
C.) I really need to work on the organization and the wording in this essay because I do not think it is ready to be sent to any colleges.This is a true rough draft so far and it needs some work.
D.) After reading my essay, I would like to know if my determination and mind set was seen through this essay. For instance, did I use good descriptions to show my struggles and how I solved them?

Waterskiing:

          The first dip into that water was freezing cold. I was not sure I knew what I was doing because I had never tried it before. I have always watched my sister and my dad water-ski but for me, it seemed impossible. The first time I tried was when I was about ten years old. I got into the water, and I felt my feet get really tight and I hated it. Although it looked really cool I was not about to keep trying it.

          When I was sixteen, I decided that I wanted to learn how to ski. I told my dad and my family what my goal for the summer was going to be. The first thing they told me to do was to go grab a bathing suit. I did not know what I was in for. In moments later I was told to put each foot into a ski. I was told to hold on tight to the rope and keep my ski tips up. I was really nervous, but I knew I needed to do this in order to succeed. I did not get it my first time but I was so close. My arms got really tired but I kept trying and then finally I got up for about a second until I fell again. I told my family that I would try another day because I was so exhausted.

A week had finally arrived and I found myself back in the water. I was so happy because I knew could get the hang of it and get on top of the water to where I was supposed to be. I surprised myself because after I got up I was able to stay up for a few minutes.  I got really comfortable with the water and the skis that I was almost on them every other day. I had fallen in love with skiing and I was always happy to go out and ski with friends. I was really anxious to learn how to curve myself to get over each wake. I kept trying and getting helpful hints from my family, but it was not until I took a deep breath and relaxed that I finally got it.

When my sisters bought a brand new boat, I made a promise that I would learn to solemn which is being on one ski. I knew it was a challenge but I was ready to take it on.  When I got up on top of the water, I was so anxious to start my challenge that I kept trying too hard to let go of one ski and would lose my balance. I was told to keep my foot in until I felt it was going to slip out and just let my foot drag when it was outside of the ski. It was a lot harder than I thought. I have ever since been trying.

                This year I set a new goal for myself to achieve and that was too solemn and if not to cross over the wakes. I would have learned a lot faster if the weather was not so nice and I did not have to work so much, but the one time I tried I was able to cross over the wake. I was feeling a lot more comfortable than the year before and I was able to get from one side to the other without a difficulty. I attempted to try again at the solemn ski, but it did not go my way this summer, therefore I am looking forward to next summer and being able to achieve my goal.

"Author's Note"

 A.) This essay rose to the top because I need it in order to get into Massachusetts Maritime Academy. I am really happy with the way I worded things and showed my voice through this essay.

B.) I really express my feelings and voice through this essay.

C.) A weakness I think I had in this essay is the vocabulary words I have used.

D.) I would like to know that if after reading my essay, you think it is clear that I really want to go to this academy and am really interested. 

E.) I need help rewording the things I put in bold.

 Maddy Brunelle
October 20, 2011
                                                    First Impressions
           On the last day of September I drove with my family to Buzzards Bay to visit the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. As I opened the door to the admissions office, I realized this is where I wanted to be. It is important to me to attend a college where I feel I belong, and am able to commit myself to my studies. I know that academics at Massachusetts Maritime Academy are very challenging, stringent, and a crucial component to a well-rounded postsecondary education. The small classroom sizes will be beneficial, and help me to become more focused in my studies. This will give me the opportunity to connect with my professors and peers. Also, the organization and regimen of the daily routine is conducive to learning.
               I noticed in my visit that the uniforms create a sense of equality and community among the cadets. In addition, having the choice of six majors would help me to focus on the end goal. When talking with the cadet, Lauren DeNapoli, she got me very intrigued about her major. Marine Transportation is interesting because I would be able to become a licensed ship’s deck officer. This would give me the ability to transfer into various management and operation positions, which is incredibly unique. After learning so much about Marine Transportation, I am now deciding whether International Maritime Business or Marine Transportation is the major for me.
                    My family owns a marina which has always kept me involved with the water. Growing up in this environment has really impacted my life and made me have a certain respect for the water. I am aware of how dangerous but how amazing it can be. I found out about the Massachusetts Maritime Academy from my cousin Marc, who is an alum from the class of 1979. The Massachusetts Maritime Academy is simply an extension of what I have been familiar with my whole life. Experiencing a job environment before I graduate college through a “sea term” is something that really excites me. I know I will feel comfortable and be more prepared in my field by the time I graduate.
             In addition to all of these reasons, seeing the Massachusetts Maritime Academy with my own eyes made it clear that this is where I want to be. Even at such a prestigious school, the Associate Director of Admissions, James Watkins, welcomed me and made me feel like I truly belonged. I know that at Massachusetts Maritime Academy, my leadership skills and personal determination will be able to grow and thrive. I know that having all of these resources at my fingertips will prepare me for a successful future.